I was just wondering, is this kind of family environment I live in Is normal, or i am just being an over dramatic. I do hope I can get some advice, as I am too shy to ask other people.
To start things off I’m 16 years old, I Live in Sydney NSW, Australia with my mum who works as a doctor, and is never home, i also live withmy dad and 1 older brother who doesn’t live with me because his 24. and oh I am also a female student studying in highschool at a 11th grade level and soon to be completing my HSC course.
Recently I’ve just got my Highschool report which i put so much effort into it. I stayed up days and nights and spent my afternoons in the school library studying. As soon as my report falls into my hands, and i look through my results, i knew straight away… and can just see the image of me going to get belted, punched, choked, screamed at and geting called horrific names by my father, just instantly. As i went home, I quickly hid my report, and hoping that no one will ever find out. One week later since it was the end of 2nd school semester. My dads yells at me across the house and asks for my report.. As i showed him my report, i stepped to the other side of the room, because i knew what is comming. After flicking through my report He then looks at me, then..of course what i’m expecting…..he yells at me. Then tell’s me how stupid and how much of moron i am. And why my lows grades were very poor, as they were between 75 – 85 %. He then tells me to say out loud that "I AM A MORON", and i refused to say that, so i just looked at the blank wall next to me. As Im facing the wall he stil yells at me saying, How i am useless in the family, and he doesn’t understand why he is paying for my school fee’s, and he said that he doesn’t know what to do with me. He Then tops it all off saying that i am Failure at life, and that im just better off as a prostitute living in the street scabbing money off old drunken men.
He then ripps my report and chucks it on the floor and expects me to pick it up, and as soon i pick it up, he then spits at me multiple times on my face and into my hair, and In my mind, my self esteem, my motivation, my dreams, my door to happiness.. shuts. The door to loving myself and nature, also slams. He pretty much just taught me, of how much of an idiot i am. But this name calling and his verbal abuse has lived with me ever since i could remember.
I’ve always dreamed on studying commerce or finance, combined with a law degree at a university, and end up as becoming a succesful solicitor just how my mum is a sucessful Doctor. But knowing that when someone calls you a moron, a failure, useless, and stupid almost everyday. You just can’t Ignore it. So I loose my confidence in myself, and i lost my motivation in school work. When im in class, i stare at the board, thinking that i MUST pass highschool, and that if i dont make it into uni straight away with a poor UAI score, i’ll just end my life in suicide, coz i believe i don’t have any hope or intelligence anymore.and he will just eventually kick me out anyways, as he thinks my grades are not up to his standards.
So as a result of my past, everyday from morning, to afternoon and night, I always find myself living in fear, with low confidence and having low self esteem. I’ve lost over 10 kilo’s as i stopped eating. Im always tired and when i get home the first thing i do is go into my room and just sleep, to get away from my dad. I now cant concentrate properly, as I believe This is all caused from my father, but maybe perhaps, i’m just over dramatic?, or that im just making a big fuss about nothing? I just…don’t know….
so, i never talk about my situation to any other people as they will just think im lying and just want attention. So i thought just keeping all tthis a secret, i wil just get over it, and it will just eventually go away, But i guess not.