I recently seperated. While I was married 13 years I think the last 2 were just breaking up. Anyway my ex wife got a new job, as a result the first year she had to be away. During this time she had numerous affairs. When we got back together I thought she would stop, but it continued. She only does it when drunk. We have 3 young boys. I decided to end when she got drunk while I was away and allowed herself to be used in front of the kids. Now as I have stated I want no more of her, she has been angry and aggressive. First trying to block custody. Even though I tried for 50 – 50, due to alcohol incidences I ended up with the kids. Kids like this arrangement. Still I want kids to see their mum but she is being difficult. I can not understand I wanted just to end marriage and divide everything 50 – 50. She will not agree, she used to care for her kids now we are losing everything due to solicitor fees. Because she lost kids she wants to drag out property settlement. I was not the one who made her lose the kids, they decided they had enough. At moment I need to make a desicion to stay were I am or move due to financial reason’s. If I move it means kids will have access to mum reduced even more. I have tried to explain my situation to her but she still seems angry blames me. Tells kids its not her that wanted the marriage to end. Yes i ended the marriage, but I do not feel it was my choice. I just want to move on with life. But in order for anyone to move on she needs to allow communication. How do I get her to communicate, without costly solicitors.
My boys are aged 8, 10 and 12. They have a good idea whats going on. They are happy to go but they also love their mum. Seems it is up to me to decide. I look at going seems so many good points and when you look at staying it is only for her. At moment she is not even seeing them. I had hoped over time she would have calmed down. And losing her kids would have made her change back to who she was. Seems only made it worse.
Custody already decided they are with me. This was easy due to neglect when drunk. Kids also wanted this. So custody seems a breeze compared to the property settlement. I feel her solicitor is not helping her. I mean she is offered 50%, considering she lost custody you would think she would be reasonable. While she feels she is paying for her solicitor, she is not paying her share of joint loans. If bank closes loans we lose house which we purchased to provide future equity for kids. I just want to know how to make her listen to reason, and get a better solicitor. Or simply just settle.
Thanks for the advise. Seems I know what to do, just hate having to do it. But hearing other people say what I am thinking reassures me.
Are you thinking about selling your home yourself? then
I don’t think I can really offer you any advice here but wanted to wish you all the best. I think you are in a really tough position. It is more than reasonable that you ended the marriage. As for what to do know the obvious advice is that you have to do what is best for the boys. the problem with that advice is that there is benefits to the boys to stay and to go. Obviously if you stay they will see their mum more but money will be tough which can make things very difficult. If you go life will be easier but they will see their mum less. So its a hard one. In the end if you are forced to go that will have been her choice. Have you asked the boys what they want. You haven’t said their age and they may not be old enough but if they are ask them. It always seems obvious that it is best if the boys get to see their mum but depending how bad her drinking is perhaps it is not. Hopefully in the end she will realise her loss and wake up to herself. Sorry I can’t help you more on this one. One thing I do think is make the decision for you and the boys not for her. She has already proven that she will let you and them down.
Your additional marks answered the question. You said the only reasons for staying are for her. Yet you are around at the moment and she is hardly seeing them. There will be negatives if you go or stay but the negatives seem less if you go. If the fear of losing them hasn’t changed her then she is only going to continue to let the boys down her whole life.Sounds like there is one reason to stay and four to go. So go.
Moving is good
Moving away is better
If you speak truth the woman you want as the mother of you children does not exist.
You must protect your children.
If you have a good lawyer that will help.
But on going legal will just suck your money away.
As you know.
You want to reach into your wife and connect with a logical rational mind.
Hate and her other issues will make that near impossible.
In the long run, you must start you new life. Which will require you avoid all contact with her.
Contact with her will be like picking at a wound. It will stay inflames and unhealed.
your not just a peice of furniture!
She doesn’t sound logical with her choices. Down the road it is going to pay it’s toll on the kids. There really is no easy way to communicate with her, I see that there is a pattern here with the way she acts.
I think you don’t have much choice but to take her to court. Request for the bill to be paid by her, including your legal fees. The kids are worth the money even if the judge doesn’t pass a motion that she pays for the legal fees, as long as they are in a safe and secure, stable environment.
Good luck to you and the kids… you sound like you deserve the best!
ML
You did the right thing my friend.But you don’t have to let her take and take till there is no end.Go file for soul custody of your children.You can do this just in family court, Your children don’t deserve to be around a women like that nor should you let them.You have did your share in trying to hold thing together for your children & home stay were you are in you home..You know there are lots of good women around that love children and would love to have a man like you and be true to you as well and love your children as their own. I know I’m have a great love for children.(make sure she loves you & your kids be for doing this)
There has to be others like me out there with their own income to that will help you in every way.As for you x not signing for a divorce
If I loved a man with children they would be mine too! Go find her she’s there you just haven’t looked yet!
Streamline your belongings, reduce to a managable load even if it means giving her more. (things won’t make her happy, but better she use stuff than kids to fight her battles) If you can move to a smaller place, then do it. Its TIME spent with your kids that matters but if you can manage to save a little money too…in case of further legal fees.. she sounds unstable to begin with so trying to get her to listen is a waste of time. Ya never know what curve ball she will throw, so don’t let your gaurd down.
Your wife is an alcoholic and obviously has severe emotional problems. She is not going to listen to reason or explanations. She operates solely on impulse and emotion, usually anger and rage.
You have to move for financial reasons. End of story. Don’t explain it to her, just give her the new address. It’s not her call anymore. The kids don’t mind seeing her less often, and I think that is fine! She’s a horrible parent.
Do what you have to do, and you may need an attorney due to her irrational personality (sorry).