My ex’s solicitor has just mailed me parenting orders, but i don’t agree with them. he wants 8 hours every sunday, building up to 50/50 custody.There was a history of violence and abuse in our relationship, but i left before our daughter (10mnths) was born. he was alcoholic and addicted to marijuana and pornography, and some things he told me indicated tendencies to pedophilia. i never reported the abuse to the police during our relationship (apparently this is very common), and the only witness was a relative of his, who would never betray him. he was coming to my house to visit baby for first 4mnths, and being supervised by my parents, but he was intimidating and manipulative and used the police to intimidate me (welfare checks for no reason), so on police advice, i stopped contact. i was able to get supervised contact once a fortnight, and he agreed to it, he has been seeing her there since then. we tried mediation, (he applied at relationships australia) but were told it is inappropriate considering abuse, although i did convince them to try, and did it over phone from home whilst he was at mediation centre. The mediators decided it wasn’t working and gave us certificates. i applied for an AVO for stalking behaviour 4 mnths ago, but was denied (was told yesterday that i was denied incorrectly, i should have got it, but it has been too long now since last incident so i can’t get one). i have been told that as i have no hard evidence of abuse, and no unbiased witnesses (my parents witnessed intimidation and he admitted some things he had done to them), he will get everything he is asking for. i have seen two solicitors now, and they both say the same. i’m desperate, deeply depressed, unable to function, i rarely leave the house… any advice – please help, i don’t know what to do and i am so scared. i can’t hand my daughter over to him, but i can’t prove anything, so what can i do? i feel so hopeless! it’s my job to protect her, not put her in danger
ok, so i know it’s not all ‘sunshine and roses’, but i’m desperate. i need anyone with similar experiences of their own to let me know what they did?
The relative would NEVER say a word against him, and in fact would lie if he asked.
and dizzyliz, he was not a substance abuser when i met him, nor was he violent or abusive to me. it happened gradually through our relationship. the pregnancy was not planned, i left him when i was 6 mnths pregnant as i could not bring a child into that environment, nor could i put myself at risk any longer as he had become a very heavy drinker and very abusive whilst drunk. it is not easy to leave a realationship like this, you stay as you think you can change him. he mad me feel dependant, worthless, depressed and physically and psychologically harmed me, to the point where i was a total mess and unable to function. i had planned my life with this man. it is increadibly hard to leave that and ‘do it alone’ when you are in such a fragile state of mind.
i will have him drug tested, and see how that goes. i’ve been told that as he has not been admitted to a clinic or had any arrests for drunk and disorderly or anything that could prove he has a substance abuse problem, i don’t really have anything to admit in court….. god, i wish i’d called the police.
oh, there have been reports to docs (manditory reporting) about things i have said re: the abuse during relationship, but apparently that’s really just ‘hearsay’, not hard evidence….
Jun
18
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Are you thinking about selling your home yourself? then
Surely if you have had mediation as well as advise from the police to stop cotact between your child and her father due to the harrassment etc you would be able to have that all docomented in your favour.
Unfortunitly there are too many people that use these allergations to prevent the other parent from seeing the child resulting in making it more difficult for a person who really needs help to keep their child safe. All parents need to remember that at the end of the day its not his right to see his child nor is it your right to prevent the child from seeing him, at the end of the day its the childs right to know both its parents, and i am sure you are aware that is all the family courts care about is the rights of the child.
I would reckomend that you show the family courts that you are willing and encouraging a relationship between your daughter and her father, as family courts do not look favourably on parents that try to prevent this, but just insist that you have concerns for the safety of the child and want visitation between the two to occour at a contact center where a third party who is an employee of the center will supervise the visitation between the two ensuring your child will be safe, and this way no contact between you and him will need to occour if you fear your own safety as well. If he has a tendency of having a short temper etc he will not be able to continue this act up and eventually show his true colours, and being at a contact center with a neutral third party that works there as a witness of his conduct.
I also reckomend that you try not to stress about the situation to much as he may decide to claim your unable to look after yourself let alone your child, people do say and do nausty things when children are involved.
I wish you all the best
Go to court and have him drug tested. Get a lawyer and have them help you. If what you are saying is true he should not be near your kid.
What do you want us to tell you? That everything is all sunshine and roses and it will all work out in your favor? You have already had numerous people tell you that there is nothing that they can do, so what do you want from us? It’s a crappy situation, but this is what happens when violence goes unreported. You may know that it happened, but without evidence and police reports, it never legally happened. You are going to have to fight it, but if you lose, you have no choice but to comply with the court order. If you don’t, you’ll be in contempt and it will look very negatively on you.
Not what you wanted to hear, but facts are facts.
Why not outfit your home with one of those "nannycams" that people use to check up on nannies who watch their children. When he is there for visitations, you can secretly film what’s going on and catch him in the act of intimidations.
Are you sure that the relative wouldn’t help you if you went to them to ask them to help the baby and not you? If they really know that he is abusive, and care at all about the baby, they may help you. If not, I’d tell them that if anything happens to her they will be as responsible as he is.
Is he actually an alcoholic and addict? Is he supposedly dry/clean now? Maybe you can prove that he’s not… a private investigator following him to a bar or drug purchase??????
God forbid it gets this far, if he has her, and there are any marks or bruises, document them carefully. Bring her to doctors, take photos, make a log. Eventually, you may be able to prove he’s unfit.
I hope it doesn’t take that much!
no i do understand it her father that you were with but did not leave until the baby was 1o mths old when you meet him he drunk etc .r i smell a rat you r try to do the under hand work lady.i think it is right for him to have supervised visits that way he can not be blame for anything.wake up we all are not stupid behind the eyes of the law. i have a hand chief try crying it just might help.not.