My closest friend is in an abusive relationship and I don’t know how to help her because she says she loves the guy and refuses to leave him.
She is in the position where she could have him thrown in jail with a phone call, yet she is helping him pay for solicitors to get him out of the s#*t.
He has hospitalised her on the last occassion and I truly fear for her safety. More than that she has two children (not his) who are being exposed to this violent behaviour. I am more concerned for their welfare than hers!
How do I make her see what she is allowing to happen to her? I spent hours with her and she cried and said she was leaving, then went straight to his place!
I have offered her a safe place to stay, support and frienship, but it’s not enough. Do I just sit back and let her destroy her life and that of her children? What can I do?
Are you thinking about selling your home yourself? then
the previous posters have given you much guidance as to ideas for things you should do. pick and choose among them as many as seem to fit.
You must be strong and do what needs to be done even if that means short term extra stress…
use your best judgment and my prayers and those of others who read this will be with you helping you know you are not alone in this.
If there are children involved, they are more than likely being abused physically too. Not to mention the emotional trauma of seeing their dad beat up their mommy. What you need to do is look out for their best interests, because their mother is obviously not. You need to call social services and alert them that there are children living in an unfit, abusive enviroment. Your friend may be angry at you, but if she is willing to put her children in that situation and refuses to remove them (and herself) someone seriously needs to intervene and make sure this stops. I know you may feel conflicted about "turning in" your friend, but you know what’s going on and you need to do something about it NOW. Someday, she will thank you for being a real friend and helping her see what she was too abused to see. Good luck.
Hopefully for her sake she’ll open up her eyes. my first hubby was an abuser it was hard to leave but when i actually did it was better for everyone. sometimes change is hard for people just let her know that you will be there if she needs you
i went through the same thing with my best friend did every thing for her and she had one child her boyfreind almost killed her and her mother in the end she went back to him and had twins when i found out she was back with him ive havnt spoken to her since cause there is nothing i can do to help her im not sure what ur meant to do i guess just b there for ur friend as muich as u can handle, if my friend called me now and asked for help i would help her but i stay out of her life for now cause i cant do anything and its sad that there are children involved
I know she’s your friend and all, but the only thing that you can really do now is just tell someone that you know what is going on and have him thrown in jail. She will someday forgive you because right now she is threatening her life and the one’s of her children.
Boy, this is a tough question.
You have offered her a safe place for her and her kids but she doesn’t want to take advantage of it.
She may have such a low self-esteem that she feels that she deserves what she gets and if that is the case, she will not be strong enough to leave without some mental help.
I too fear that she is in danger. I don’t know if the law in the tate you live in will allow you to try to step in and do something or not. You may just have to be there for her and maybe with time. she will see how dangerous a situation she is in. Not only is she in danger, but the rage could be transferred to the kids,
I pray that she will get out before something really bad happens to her or one of the kids. Give her my love and tell her I am supporting her from afar.
what does her mother say do she knows whats going with her daughter and grandkids do she know that her daughter is in a abused relationship you are a good friend have you talk to any body in her family if her mother knows cause she needs help now not later and your talking ain’t doing no good call the police or call the hot line for battered woman and kids endangerment for those poor kids cause they are going to need counceling real bad good luck she is lucky to have a friend like you
You cant do anything. You can only help those who want to be helped and it sounds like she doesn’t want to be helped and she is desperate to be in a relationship at any cost. If you dint want to sit back and watch her get abused break-up the friendship between you too because you dont need to be involved in this mess It will be hard but let her go I hope I’ve helped you.
I hate to say this but this is something she is going to have to work out on her own. I went through the same thing and my friends and family tried to get me out of the relationship/marriage and I loved him no matter what he did to me. I finally came to my senses on my own. I know it is not the best advice but it is all I can tell you.
you have done everything you can without actually calling the police yourself. I know its hard but you have to let her finally wake up…herself. You are obviously the only one she can turn to so just be there for her but keep reminding her what it is doing to her kids and that there is a better life out there for them and her. If you have to use some tough love. Tell her that you wont be there for her unless she does something about the situation and hopefully she will get the message, but also let her know that you will be there when she comes out at the other side.
It’s a shame but, it’s not a whole lot you can do. If the safety of her children has not been incentive for her to leave, I don’t know what will. I know its hard to watch someone you care for being used as a personal punching bag. Until she makes up in her mind enough is enough, she will keep staying for more.
Just let her know that you are there for her. Although, I would continue to remind her the damage all of this is doing to her children. I would try to appeal to the love I know she has to have for her kids, even if the love for herself has been lost.
All you can do is be there for her. She won’t listen because she thinks she can "change him" with her love. It is sad, but it might take years for her to realize the futility of the situation. I have had friends and co-workers go through this. We always gave them advice, offered them places to stay and everything you are doing for your friend, but to no avail. They won’t change until they are ready and there is nothing you can do do speed things along.
Good luck.
I know you know what to do…
do something as soon as possible for the sake of the children…
do something quick…
no
Tell someone.Please also tell them its not her fault.But you must report this to C.P.S. They will investigate. On the other hand if she cares about her kids she would leaveBlood is thicker than water.
Sounds like you will just have to get tough and refuse to spend time listening to all her complaints. She feels she is deserving of the beatings, else why would be put up with this jail bird. She just keeps asking for it. I would tell her "no more, I am not going to hang around listening to you about this creep." Then don’t.
Maybe she will get the message…maybe she won’t. She is putting her children at risk with him on the scene and that makes her an ignorant neglectful mother. It is up to her to make the first move…does she choose him or her children?. Is she willing to lose the children for that turkey? There is only one answer and she is not listening….not yet. These things end tragically.
Good luck, hang tough…
yes me.
Unfortunately some women like it. Weird as that may sound. If it is as you’ve described there’s no hope. It’s like getting a drunk to stop drinking Guinness. Can’t before they want to. Cheers.
You have done everything that can be done,its up to her now from this point,you need to take a step behind,and give her some time,she know all that but she could’t let it go just like that,she have high hopes in him,she just could’t believe that this man wasn’t for her.Don’t push her,help her slowly and make sure she make the decision by herself,you don’t want her to blame you at the end of the day,cheer up,give yourself a pat on the back!
she’ll realize it hopefully soon … and 4 her sake but more importantly the children cuz they have 2 watch daddy beat up their mommy so that must put them thru hell 2
you have done everything that you can, by being there for her. if you over step and lecture her you may lose a good friend. just be there for when the s@@t hits the fan!
distant yourself emotionally if you can, until she is out and ready to start a healthy life for herself. my prayers are with you, good luck.
Post his address here, I’m sure plenty of people would be glad to help.
I’ve been in that type of relationship before, one day she’ll have enough of that and realize what kindda danger she’s in and leave. just try to be there for her and the kid’s as much as possiable. she need’s help anywhere she can get it, just dont give up. KEEP TRYING
get some information on the net on other people that went thru the same thing- ot try a family intervention sitting her down and showing her what her family thinksof the situation
If you are truely her friend yes, she will need you later.
I THINK THAT IF YOUR FRIEND IS TOO BLIND TO SEE THE TRUTH THEN THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO IS FIGHT FOR HER CHILDREN BECAUSE IT’S OBVIOUS SHE IS NOT WILLING TO. EXPLAIN TO HER THAT JUST BECAUSE HE HASN’T DOESN’T MEAN HE WON’T START HITTING HER CHILDREN. IT’S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME UNTIL THEY PUSH HIM TO THE POINT OF NO RETURN. SHE NEEDS TO RESCUE HER SELF FOR HER CHILRENS SAKE. HOW WILL SHE EVER EXPLAIN TO THEM HOW SHE LET THIS MAN HURT THEM AND WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THEM IF HE KILLS HER NEXT TIME. SHE NEEDS A SLAP IN THE FACE AND PICTURING HER KIDS WITHOUT HER JUST MIGHT DO IT. IF NOT TRY TO GET THE KIDS OUT THROUGH SOCIAL SERVICES…IT’S HARSH..BUT IT MAY BE THE WAKE UP CALL SHE NEEDS.
she has very low self esteem.
try to get her to talk to a counselor. she really does need that. if she wont get away from him for herself, is there any way that you could make her see what she is doing to her kids? sometimes thats the only reason that an abused woman gets out away from her abuser.
if she still wont leave him, i dont see a choice but to hotline her to child services. if she is getting abused, you can pretty much bet that her kids are being abused too.
Well, if you can’t get through to her for her sake, how about an anonymous call to DYFS for her children sake ?
u can only watch, u say so urself that she love him. The only thing u can do is lend an ear and a shoulder to cry on. Things like this u just got to let them fall and help them bounce back and to ease the pain..where love is concern the word like ‘cant’,'no’ or ‘stop’ will not work…let her learn her mistake and have u to help her to wake up from the pain. Dont be the type of friend to tell that ‘ i told u so’…just be there for like ur doing right now…gud luck dear
you need to call social services immediately and explain the situation there
are kids involved and whos to say that he might turn on them!!! you are doing your girlfriend a fzvor by doing this you just maybe saving her and her kids life!!
u know what i have no clue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOW hold on if there are children involved than you need to do something about it. If your friend is not gonna help her own children than you should. Even though you might put her against you i think i would go to the police and tell them myself just be careful becuase you would be putting yourself into this also. I heard this news on TV that a priest knew about this child being abused and he didnt say nothing to the police so he was taken to jail also because he was a part of it. Think about wouldnt you want to help her or the kids before its too late, things could happen and before she knows it, it might be too late. I think that if you have the chance to help her you should go ahead, BE careful. and good luck . You are a gr8t friend…
unfortunately, until a person is ready to get away from the abuse and leave it, it will continue. some people need to hit the bottom before they give up on an abusive relationship, seek help and become healthy, my best advise is to be there, be supportive, gently attempt to direct the eyes to be open, very gently i suggest. my daughter is in a similar situation, i let her know that all she needs to do is call and i will come. it is very hard, pushing too hard and you may loose your friend. it is a fine line, it seems that you know where it is already, love and support her, there are hot lines that can also give you direction and let you know what support systems are available in your area or should i say her area. bless you for caring, don’t abandon your Friend, regardless of what she says, let her know that you love her and care.
speak to her again..but this time instead of tell HER to get out…..tell her to remove her kids from their present situation….no mother that loves her child(ren) is gonna let them go just like that….ask what she would do if she found out that he was abusing her kids physicaly when she’s laid up in a hospital? and if she doesnt want that ……if u can take the kids and care for them..she will follow after…..but no matter what u do u need to let her know that ur there for her…….she has to put her kids first
You can keep offering her the help. But she won’t leave him. Trust me, I’ve known several people who have been in very horrific relationships and still haven’t left the guy/gal. Sometimes just letting her know that your there and at anytime that she needs you is all you can do. Throw his ass in jail. And help her be brave enough to press charges. Take her to a counselor…a safe house…a doctor…a police officer. Take her to the morgue and have her see what happens to women who get beat up by their boyfriends/husbands. It will wake her up sooner or later…but for now, just stay by her side. Either that shoot the m’fer…nah don’t do that…you’ll end up in jail, and likely not kill him. And she’ll end up still with him and hating you. Just give her time…I hope someday she will come to her senses….My ex boyfriend after my kids’ dad, took a knife to my throat and I was bleeding when the cops were on their way he told them that I tried to commit suicide. If it wasn’t for my kids’ dad and my sisters I probably would’ve lost my kids and ended up in a psyche ward. I left him after several years of abuse…thanx to my best friend. I probably would’ve ended up dead if I didn’t leave. What woke me up was the look on my kids face along with the help and support from family and my best friend. Let her know that she’s got more support than he does…and not to be afraid…sometimes it really don’t seem like it, and don’t look like you really have many people that really care or love you….GET OUT!
No matter what you say isn’t going to help
BECAUSE i WAS ONCE THAT PERSON AND ALL MY FRIENDS TRYED TO HELP ME. I KEPT GOING BACK UNTIL I GOTTEN TIRED OF GETTING MY ASS KICK. LEAVE HER A LONG AND WHEN SHE’S TIRED LET HER WALK ON HER ON AND YOU JUST BE A GOOD FRIEND AND BE THERE FOR HER DON’T TELL HER I TOLD YOU SO, I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE, DON’T DO THAT. YOU NERVER KNOW HER REASON FOR STAYING AROUND HIM. BACK OFF AND BE A FRIEND NOT A POLICE……………………. i BEEN THERE IF YOU NEED MORE E-MAIL ME.
Call CPS if you suspect abuse toward the children. Keep in mind that she is the one who has to seek for help and get herself out of the situation…Until she really comprehends and realizes the danger and what she has to lose- She’ll not accept help from anyone. Also keep in mind that it takes two opposing forces to have a conflict and perhaps there is more to the story than the "one side" she is relating to you.
i think that they sould go to therepy and resolve this. no one should ever hit anyone else.
I know that you fear for your friends life. You have talked to her till you cried and told her how you feel. You are a true friend. However sad but true…..you can talk till your voice gets hoarse, your friend is not going to leave the situation until she make up her on mind and follows through with this decision. If not for her sake at least for the sake of her children lets hope that she does this before anything permanent happens to her.
you need to alert the child welfare services in your area and they will keep on eye on the children and maybe even do a surprise visit I believe you can remain anonymous. She needs to leave and go get help. Yesterday here in my home town there was a shooting a woman broke up with her boy friend and he went crazy and shot and killed two people and wounded several others.He went in to the elementary school where she worked, he went to her mothers house and killed her to. If we can prevent this from happening to any one El’s please lets try.Tell her you love her and the kids and there is a life for her and them but she needs to leave him!!
you have to tell your friend face to face make her realize what she is doing and make her understand your doing this because you care about her
Leave them alone.